The existential questions and bizarre philosophical thoughts that one encounters when depersonalized can give any philosophy graduate a run for his or her money. Sometimes, what would trouble me would be series of thoughts like “Maybe other people are just a product of my own imagination” or “I am probably going to wake up as an alien, and this is all just a dream I am having.” It wasn’t just a preoccupation with philosophical questions. All day long, my thoughts were about existence, other realms, demons, hell, and plenty of other uncommon, bizarre topics. I tried my best not to show any discomfort on the surface. It sent shivers up my spine so badly that when I got back to work and had to meet with a colleague of mine, I was terribly shaking inside. Once, when I was all by myself in the bathroom at work, I looked at myself in the mirror and suddenly the question “How do I exist?” popped into my head. Every morning, I would commute to work in absolute dread not knowing what existential question would “attack” me that day. Needless to say, I was really worried about my own mental sanity. It felt like I had no idea who was in charge of coming up with all these questions. But now, it seemed as if that they were coming at me from every corner. You see, previously, it was I who had to exert control to think of such deep questions. But, by now, I was in the grips of extreme fear. Those that dealt with existence became the center of my thinking. I found myself becoming obsessed with certain kind of questions. I have written at length about my depersonalization story before please read it if you are interested. Everything changed in a matter of months. Then, over a few quick months, I was overcome with anxiety and became depersonalized. The words anxiety, panic, or insanity were never ever in my lexicon. I ventured more and more into the mysteries with nothing but curiosity. It was as if I was looking at existence from a higher perspective, all zoomed out. The more I read these topics, the broader my overall worldview became. That got me thinking more about our inner worlds. I got interested in mysticism, spirituality, philosophy, and psychology. Then came the age of introspection when I was in my early twenties. I really liked to learn and know more about the universe. I’d watch a lot of documentaries about black holes, supernovas, and quantum theory as a kid. Since an early age, I’ve been fascinated with the universe. You feel like you are losing control with these questions. Suddenly, you feel like you are peering through a crack in the universe and you do not like what you see. No one knows where these thoughts come from. “How can I hear my own thoughts?” “Am I now the same person I was when I was young?” “What is this planet, really?” “Am I really in control of my thoughts?” Then, lo and behold, you are caught up in a cascade of scary thoughts about whether you are real or someone’s imagination, and then suddenly, the tables turn and you terrifyingly begin to wonder whether other people really exist or not.Įxistential thoughts during a depersonalization episode are no joke. Something like “What is existence?” or “Is the universe subjective or objective?” Then it starts getting abstract and weird. But all hope is not lost.Īt first, it starts as a benign thought. Philosophical and existential thoughts during a depersonalization episode are no joke.
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